OMG ROTFL!!!1!

You're on a roll my man

The Hollywood boiler over Paramount and Tom Cuise isn't even cool and Dan Snyder decides to give the guy millions to get in on his action. Mr. Snyder, Mel Gibson on line 2.

This is the top. From here on out it's Herbert Haft all the way down. Since acquiring the Redskins (ask Howard Milstein how that partnership went), The Danny's botched most everything. In 2000, he bought Deion Sanders and Bruce Smith to play real life fantasy football, then fired Norv Turner. In 2001, he made Marty Schottenheimer coach and president, then let the overpaid veterans from the 2000 spree undermine the new coach in training camp. Bruce Smith was in the camera every day whining about goddam practice. Marty never responded in the media. By the fifth game of the season, the Skins were 0-5 and Pro Football Weekly has this to say:

Unfortunately, it doesn’t take Snyder very long to form an opinion and begin to turn on you. After meddling in everything Redskins last year and catching criticism for undermining former head coach Norv Turner, Snyder decided to give the football guy (Schottenheimer) total control over football operations when he signed the 12^th-winningest coach in NFL history to a four-year, $10 million contract in January.

Things were looking up. A qualified and league-respected coach was in place, little Danny was keeping to the ownership side of things and the Redskins, with a decent mix of veterans and youthful talent, were hoping to return to the postseason and make Snyder’s well-publicized spending spree seem a little less ridiculous.

But none of that has happened. Schottenheimer quickly alienated a lot of his players when he went with his physical, old-school approach in training camp, slashed the roster during the offseason and then released QB Jeff George after the second game.

Little Danny has been supportive of his coach in front of the media, but reports say that he remains enamored with University of Florida coach Steve Spurrier. Little Danny has also taken it upon himself to make scouting trips to see QB David Carr of Fresno State and Joey Harrington of Oregon. Oh, and last but not least, the Redskins are the worst team in football, resting at 0-5 after having been outscored 144-32.

Mind you, the Redskins went 8-3 after going 0-5 to start. Marty, armed with a 4-yr contract at the helm had a three-year plan: year 1, dump what you can, take the dead money hit; year 2, get the guys you want; year 3, rock it. Danny dumped him for that slut Spurrier after 16 games.

Since then, he's embarked on Mission Scrooge to get your last penny. Case in point: free admission to the stadium you have to drive to, $25 to park. Concessions open, cash only.

So far, his extra-football activities have had limited success. Six Flags has decreased in attendance since he brought the former head of ESPN programming to run the parks, which is a little like bringing in a marketing executive to run a pro sports franchise. That's how you get Manute Bol and Muggsy Bogues playing on the same non-playoff team.

By moving aggressively into radio, he put himself in direct conflict with WTEM, the sports radio station in the DC area. Didn't matter that WTEM's pregame is always better than WJFK's, at gametime I always turned off the TV volume and listened to Sonny, Sam and Frank. Wait, that's right, after Larry Michael made the decision to fire Frank Herzog and replace him with...Larry Michael, I don't even bother. I'd rather hear Kenny Albert and Tim Green. Love you Sonny and Sam, but without Frank, you're wheezing.

Now with Triple X ESPN Radio (How undersexed is that to name your own radio network XXX? It's called 'projection.'), he thinks he can buy talent like Riggo because they have the games and he gets his own radio show. Riggo will get called up to the bigs and the fans will listen to whatever station broadcasts the games. But they'll always think it's an amateur show compared to WTEM, and will get pissed that they have to change stations in town. (there's a reason he owns three)

Yeah, after leaving an NFL head coach waiting in the locker room on orders for two hours like a kid in his room, it should work out real well between Dan and Tom.





I thought I was Napoleon

Tom, Danny's a value investor, and you're in the bargain basement right now. If it wasn't the couch-hopping, it was the petulant frenzy on the Toady Show. Or the creepy way he had a tail on Katie Holmes 7x24. Or just all that Scientology Xenu OT III bullshit. How much fun do you think it is to chitchat with Tom Cruise or John Travolta? Go back and check out 'Battlefield Earth.'

The movies are still doing well, but not as well. He missed his Oscar window, like 15 years ago. He's become a caricature of himself, driving the story to him where acting alone can't sell tickets. I'm bitter that he's made Nicole Kidman look credible by comparison. He's like Ben Affleck, if Ben Affleck was in the Comet Hale-Bopp cult.

(Hint: when the top movie critic at the WashPost starts writing about the zen blankness of your work in his spare time, you're already past the event horizon. Next stop, the Harrison Ford Singularity.)

Update 8/30/06 3pm: ESPN has already posted some awesome photoshop phun posters with The Danny and Tom here. I particularly like the riff on All the Right Moves.