It's Bacn!

Smell the sizzle

I get a lot of email just like everybody, I am also signed up for redskins.com email and those messages from the team fall into the same category as my Google Calendar reminders, Victoria's Secret softcore panty porn, political candidates and causes, Ballhype blog coverage summaries, blasts from the various support bboards I have signed up for, Shutterfly and Amazon offers etc, that is to say bacn, the emails you either signed up for or aren't offended by and never unsubscribe from or send to the spam filter.

I got one today I wanted to share. The Redskins are always trying to sell me something or other, 75th anniversary merch last month, special on hats jerseys & jackets the month before.

But this one was good. Scroll up and click the image over into another window on your B monitor so it's full size and let's walk through it.

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It's an ad for a Redskins Party! Who would not want to fill their house with Redskins merch, expecially stuff straight from the team because Dan Snyder would totally hook us up with a deal, right?


The thing that grabs the eye is the bigass flat panel TV, that looks like a 52 incher, but it's not for sale, it's just the vehicle for the picture of Clinton Portis running over the Lions defense from last Sunday. I'm not a marketing guru or a subliminal advertising specialist but it seems to me the the Redskins can expect to sell more with a shot of the Lions game than Plaxico Burress and the Giants game.

Suggestion box: we love Clinton and all but if you show Mike Sellers destroying Kenoy Kennedy or Sean Taylor murdering Eric Frampton I guarantee you will sell more stuff.


Melamine serving tray? What the fuck? Melamine is the coal runoff the Chinese put in pet food for export to the US, the shit that killed a bunch of dogs and cats back in the spring, they put it in the food because it is a chemical byproduct and passes the nitrogen test as protein content so the more you put in there the more toxic the food is but the more protein-rich it looks when you test it.

Oh wait, melamine is also a hard plastic resin made from the coal runoff melamine raw material. It is used in whiteboards, plastic utensils and servingware, formica flooring, inexpensive furniture and cabinets, it's in every US home.

Suggestion box: melamine resin may be an everyday product but you should pick another word for it because the word 'melamine' is now associated with toxic Chinese products, nonexistent US import regulation and family pets dying for no apparent reason. I might go with 'high impact plastic' which implies you can get drunk and knock it off the table during the game and it won't break. Plus, 20 dollars is too high a price.


Ceramic bowl: this is a good item, whether for salsa with friends or a whole pint of Americone Dream in your fatpants when the Cowboys win again and 9 dollars is the right price.


Super Bowl pitcher with four pint glasses: first of all it's weird to say 'Super Bowl pitcher,' the pitcher has the Redskins logo, three of the glasses display the logos from the three Super Bowls the Redskins won and the fourth has the fan fave curly R logo.

Suggestion box: tell me whether they are glass or plastic. An etched glass set for 60 dollars seems low but high for plastic.


Redskins burgundy classic sofa with gold trim: truly decadent and for the unmarried fan, the wife is a Redskins fan too but she would never let that thing a hundred yards from our living room. Maybe when I strike it rich and have my own underground gaming bunker. Also despite football being America's real sport there is nothing classic about a tacky couch with the logo of a for profit enterprise plastered on it.

Suggestion box: 800 dollars is the price for a real couch so it better be comfortable whether I am upright or slumped over drunk and passed out at midnight on Sunday. I might drop a line in there about how comfortable it is.


The freebie: no 'special offer' is complete without a freebie of some sort and the Redskins are offering me a seven inch battery powered personal cooling fan with an order of 85 dollars or more.

Suggestion box: note the price point for the free fan is 85 dollars and excluding the high ticket item no two items advertised add up to 85 dollars. And what is a fan going to do for me outdoors in December at Redskins Stadium? Also the size of the fan is misleading, these crappy personal fans are one dollar convention giveaways and seven inches is the top to bottom measurement, the fan blades cannot be more than three or four inches across, the perfect size for hanging around your neck and cruising 15 year old runaways.



Screencap of bacn mail from the Redskins to me. Bacn Wikipedia page here, Buzzfeed bacn definition here. For more on Horse Badorties and my obscure reference at the end, visit here and here.