Being Mark Brunell

A guide for coping

You're Mark Brunell. You got benched. Your backup The new starter looked good and could actually throw the ball down the field. You can't understand how you can have a career year and then get fed to the chipper. You need time to get used to not being a starter. What do you do? How do you cope? Mark, The Curly R is here to help. Yesterday, I sat down with Dr. Al Kuholic, a clinical psychologist and specialist in the field of unfulfilled expectations here in the DC area to discuss how athletes cope with not being very good. Some of Dr. Kuholics former patients include Joe Namath, Dexter Manley, Bam Morris and Koren Robinson.

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Curly R: Mark must be feeling low right now. What's the best thing he can do to keep his mind off the benching?

Al Kuholic: I would give Mark the advice first passed down from the eminent Dr. Blutarsky, then a 7th year pre-med student to his patient, Flounder, and that is "drink heavily." It is also better for Mark to remain indoors so as not to expose himself to any object or symbol that might remind him of his new situation as not the best quarterback on a last place team.


Curly R: many athletes fear losing lucrative endorsements after being demoted. What advice would you give Mark about protecting his marketability?

Al Kuholic: every chapter is a new opportunity and Mark should consider seeking out products that reflect his new situation. Perhaps he could endorse the brand of tweezers he uses to pull bench splinters out of his ass. He could consider pitching for an office supply chain, since he will be seen with a clipboard more often, or for a detergent company, since his uniform will now always be crisp, spotless and sparkling white.


Curly R: are there support groups for athletes facing this kind of change in status?

Al Kuholic: yes, there are many many of these in Washington. Mark Price, who the Bullets traded a first-round pick for 1996 but wound up playing a total of 127 minutes for the team because of a bum foot, and Jaromir Jagr, who was barely able to stop gambling long enough to put on a Capitals sweater run two of the more high profile groups, the Still Getting Paid Society and Time for You to Respect and Acknowledge Individual Efforts (TURKIEs).


Curly R: will Mark experience any physical changes or impacts as a result of his change in status?

Al Kuholic: the immediate physical reaction is the thousand yard stare, paired with occasional hopeful glances at the coach, and forced butt-pats of encouragement for the new starter. Longer term, Mark will experience a relaxing of the sphincter and a general reduction in stress as he comes to terms with expectations that don't go past 'just stand there.'


Curly R: now that Mark will have more time on his hands, what can he do to stay productive?

Al Kuholic: he could start a blog, like his compatriot-in-demotion Drew Bledsoe, chronicling his adventures in a way he never could as a starter. He could get involved in commerce, like retired Dallas Cowboy Nate Newton, or find creative ways to help out the team from off the field, like Wayne Gretzky's wife.


Curly R BONUS QUESTION: does Mark's new status limit his ability to get work in Washington?

Al Kuholic: of course not! After a ten year exile, all failed Redskins quarterbacks are permitted to return to Washington as conservative Democrats via the electoral process.



Jason Campbell in the Tampa Bay game: detail from AP photo
Mark Brunell on sideline in Tampa: detail from AP photo